Today is nerve racking. My brother is driving to california to begin what could be his career. He is actually going to go an dbe a commercial diver. He starts the vcational commercial diving achool on the 7th of january. It is pretty exciting. It reflects on me as being grown up. I don’t want to grow up.

Things are also hard right now. I think that my relationship is slipping. The distance thing is wearing on us. We are trying hard.. but nerves are frazzled and it is not as fun as it once was - feelinged get hurt, emotions get trampled. Love is supposed to win. It seems like it is prevailing, so lets hope.
Work is the same as it always has been. I wish I was properly titled. I wish I didn’t have to work. I wish I had something to do tonight rather than sit aronud my apartment with no friends. Sometimes I feel very sorry for myself, then I realize I am feeling sorry for myself and then I feel silly. But tonight, I feel sorry for myself and all I want is a hug. a big big hug. but I don’t have anyone around to give one to me. my family all left, none of my roomates are home. drat.
I hate it when I want to sleep just to pass time. it disgusts me. I need to go out. I need to meet people. I need to figure out how to be healthier. how to surround myself with people. not sit here and feel sorry for myself.